Living On Purpose - finding happiness in life

Searching for the path to happiness and fulfillment? To find your true meaning in life, it's time you looked within

LATELY EVERY PHONE CALL SEEMS TO END with the same old sighs. My friends with the fly jobs, the cute dreadlocks, the record deals, the brand-new condos--the ones everyone would agree have got it going on--seem to be questioning the point of it all. At first I suspected this pondering was because we are all so near the three-decade marker, but I am finding it's not just limited to us newly appointed adults: It's also my mother and her friends, and my friends' mothers and their friends--and the menfolk too. All over the place, I hear the same grumbling, the same whisperings, I sense the same questions: What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Am I on target?

Contrary to what Puff Daddy would have us believe, life ain't just about the Benjamins, baby. And it ain't the "poon-tang" that makes everything "swans." (Sorry, Lil' Kim.) It's about more than having a fly body or bouncing and behaving hair. More of us want to incorporate a deeper meaning into our lives--something that makes a difference in this world and satisfies our souls, not just our bank accounts or others' expectations of us.

So what do we do? The pathway to our passions will ultimately be as individual as we are. Most of us seek and/or encounter many guides along the way--through gathering in sister circles and in houses of worship, reading up on personal growth, signing up for a class or seminar. Conscious of our quest, we begin to notice signs as they appear: pages blown open to specific passages in books fallen from our shelves, TV personalities directing us to information we didn't know we needed until we turned on our sets. Some of us are even turning to a new breed of guru: the "life coach"--professionals who specialize in helping us get our priorities straight.

ESSENCE assigned me to team up with one such expert, glean insights into my own life and then pass along lessons learned that will help other sisters find their way. My coach was Erline Belton, founder and CEO of the Lyceum Group. Through seminars and retreats, Erline guides many individuals, groups and companies on spiritual quests every day, so I understood I was in good hands. Still, I have to admit I was a little nervous when Erline, a small sister with bouncy reddish-brown hair and enthusiasm that hits like a sledgehammer, met me at the train station in Boston. She smiled an infectious smile, told me that she is into truth-telling, and took me by the hand for a journey into my soul.

Legacy: Spiritual Imprint

Ironically, Erline's mission was born in an environment not generally associated with having much of a soul: corporate America. As she advanced, all the way to senior vice-president and partner of a $2 billion computer company, she observed the interactions of other senior executives. Many who thought they were personable and easy to get along with grew confused by the hesitation and fear employees expressed in approaching them. "They were out of touch with their authentic selves," says Erline. Similarly, in her personal life she'd noticed people asking kids what they wanted to be rather than who they wanted to be (reinforcing early on a disconnection between their sense of self and their sense of how to be in the world). All this made her think very hard about such discrepancies. Erline began to wonder what the world would be like if we were conscious that we create impressions of ourselves, or, as she terms it, legacies, with every breath and every moment. "I believe we all come with a very special gift to help humanity," she says with a bright smile, "but sometimes we forget the big purpose of our lives and need help remembering it." [For her tips on how you can realize your legacy, turn to page 148.]

In 1991 Erline created the Lyceum Group, with its mission of helping individuals and companies discover the truth about themselves and then live up to that truth day by day. She has taken her message from boardrooms to beaches (she holds retreats in Jamaica) and has even spoken at the White House.

The Journey Begins

Would her methods work for me, I wondered? At 29 years old, I believe my life has been pretty good. I have accomplished a few things that my mother, at least, takes pride in--I have a national forum through writing for this magazine, and mentors around me who support me and believe in my dreams.

Nevertheless, I feel so strongly that there is just so much for me to do, that I haven't even begun to tap into all my creative potential. How else do I explain the feeling that all my life many aspects of the media--film, television, music, books--have been whispering to me constantly, all beckoning me forward, urging me to begin shaping them right now? Isn't there a reason I dream of worlds? Why does my life change in some small way when I sit in front of that magnificent 40-foot screen and see perspectives I may never have known? Or why, while flipping pages in my favorite book late at night, can I feel the sun beating down on my back and the ground under my feet as I run through villages barefoot, looking through the eyes of a Nigerian spirit boy? I think constantly, Where is my novel, my Lord of the Rings? Or my movie, my Love Jones? Or my Xena: Warrior Princess? Sometimes I feel as though bliss and fulfillment and joy are apparitions just beyond my reach.

But Erline refused to let me steep in that stew. She believes it's never too late to get on course. Her process of discovery works for everyone, she says--even those toiling in nine-to-fives they hate and those who have no idea where to begin thinking about what they want because they have been so stripped of their inner urges. The key to living our legacies, she says, is living to love: "It's like this: If your heart malfunctions, everything in your body won't work. Same with love: If your heart is not filled with love, you cannot give love back [to humanity]."

Getting to the Heart of Things

In Erline's very quaint home, upstairs in a converted attic living-room space, we relaxed and shared cups of fruit tea. Because we would attempt to get to the core of the work she normally does over a full weekend in just one day, getting comfortable was key. When we are truly at ease in the world, we are also at our most authentic, Erline stresses. She poured a mixture of essential oils to calm my anxiety, then led me through a relaxation exercise.

Erline asked me to close my eyes, uncross my legs and arms and breathe deeply. Then, as her soothing voice instructed, I visualized each part of my body, feeling for spots of tension and releasing "negative energy" before moving on to the next.

My mind refreshed, I could focus during the visualization, meditation and writing exercises we packed into the next two hours. My first task: to make an honest assessment of what people think of me right now. Erline again asked me to close my eyes, then imagine my loved ones and think what they would say about me if I were to die tomorrow. Would they miss me? What value did I add to their lives? Tears began to fall down my face, and I let them flow. I saw all my friends sitting in a circle on the floor of a loft space saying such beautiful things about me.

I realized as I felt their love that I never say such nice things to myself. Instead I often beat up on myself for what I haven't done. I opened my eyes and Erline handed me a tissue, along with a worksheet to fill out labeled "Current Legacy." It probed more of what she had begun asking, with leads like: "My contribution to this place at this time would be discussed as ..."; "What gives my life meaning and purpose at this time is ..."; "The one principle I lived by and stood for was ..."

Then we talked about why I cried: Maybe it's just me and my circle of friends and the fact that we live in a city that is frustratingly too hip. (New York, in my mind, is the meeting place for every overambitious creative person with a dream of fame and a plan for revolution.) But sometimes I feel as if now we all live in a world where if you don't own your own business by age 25, have not been written about in some magazine or shouted out on someone's album, thanked in someone's acknowledgments or invited to be a guest on somebody's TV show, you're looked upon as a failure. Is it my imagination, or are the expectations for material accomplishments more intense than ever?

At ages 21 and 23, respectively, a girlfriend and I knew we'd take the world by storm by age 25. When we didn't, we pushed that deadline to 30. Now I'm 29 and she's 27, and while our priorities have changed and I understand these things are no true measure of success, that nagging feeling of failure hasn't left either of us.

Erline points out that there's no way we can feel anything other than lacking if we measure ourselves by others' standards and expectations. Besides, only those whose dreams drifted away long ago would presume to dictate what we ought to do with our lives, she adds. "Your inner voice speaks only to you--only it can declare what's best for you," she says. But only, stresses a staunchly clear Erline, if you are not afraid to live outside the box that society wants to construct for you.

Facing the Future

The second step involved deciding what type of legacy I would leave if I were living an ideal life. Erline had me fill out a "Future Legacy" worksheet, which included questions and fill-ins such as "It is the future. What do you want your family, friends and colleagues to be saying about you?"; "The value I added to their lives was ..."; and "I will be missed because ..." I realized I wanted to leave a legacy of love, inspiration and creativity. From the previous exercise, I could see that my current legacy is certainly one of love but that there is so much more I'd like to do creatively to inspire people.

The third step, Erline said, was for me to face truthfully what was currently preventing me from moving forward and to acknowledge the gifts and dreams I held inside. The last worksheet posed such questions as "How are your habits and actions inhibiting your movement toward how you aspire to be?" (I wrote down: "I am not completely honest about my feelings in all my relationships.") "What gifts do you possess, but do not yet utilize, that can help move you toward how you aspire to be in this world?" (Eyes closed, I saw musical instruments.) "What actions are you currently taking to move yourself toward how you aspire to be?" (I am facing my fears and trying to just let go and let God.)

Finally, on that same sheet, Erline asked me to tell myself why I am here, to declare the real purpose of my life. She instructed me not to overanalyze, to close my eyes and visualize and know the answer would come from my heart, my intuition. "Trust the quiet little voice inside," she murmured. I did as she asked, striving to keep the panicky feelings at bay, inhaling deeply over and over again.

Eventually, the fog in my mind cleared and I saw a scene in a diner: a man at a counter drinking coffee and a woman in an apron cooking a big animal whole on the stove, with lots of pots bubbling over. When I asked myself what that vision meant, the answer came back: to stir things up.

Erline helped clarify that answer through guided imagery. She told me to envision myself in a meadow of beautiful flowers with a path that led into the woods, then go down the path and look for a house. She instructed me to go inside the house, see if anyone was there, hear what they had to say, then walk back up the path.

In the quiet space of my mind, the images began to flow rapidly. I saw many things, but the most vivid was the house I entered, the interior of which was a slave dwelling. There stood a Black grandmother and grandfather. They sat me at the table and slathered me with oil. I have short hair in real life, but in this scene I had pigtails. The grandparents massaged my scalp and greased my hair. It felt so good and comforting to let go and let someone else ease the cracked, dry skin and knead the surface with strong, knotted, knowing hands.

I didn't want them to stop. But they did, and somehow I ended up outside the cabin with the grandmother, near a rapidly flowing stream. We stood by the water and watched it run. Then suddenly we were in front of the house, which now had a manicured front yard. As if I were in a movie, I saw the grandmother's arm in a frame by itself, handing me an apple. She told me to take a bite.

Guided by Spirit

I looked to Erline for assistance in interpreting these visions. She said she had helped me find my spirit guides, guides who would be there for me if ever I needed them again. According to her, we all have spirit guides waiting to help us. We can contact them if we quiet our minds and listen. Erline shared that her spirit guides had been saying to her very clearly throughout our session that I was here on this earth to tell the truth. She believed I was on a spiritual path and that my real purpose in life was to awaken people. The image to stir things up made perfect sense because, in her mind, that's the exact nature of truth. She said I would speak to a lot of people one day, but stressed that this was a lifelong journey and it would take time to unveil itself properly. I needed to be patient with myself.

So what does it all mean? I can't say I have all the answers now. Could I have done this on my own? Maybe. Would I have been as affected by it? Maybe not. All I know is that Erline's session helped me see that I want my life to be about something bigger than me, and that someone out there may just agree with that assessment. A good friend reminded me the other day that truth is not about age or book learning or even experience; children, she said, are often the best messengers of truth. So perhaps that's been the reason for the delay in producing specific media projects--I am still determining my own truth. And when I develop my own philosophy and style, I will use the media to deliver the truth as I see it.

I can choose today not to be afraid and to step bravely into the light. I can trust that every moment has magic and beauty and love, and that I alone am responsible for that enchantment, with each breath and each thought. I can also decide today that I am on the right path, that my dreams and visions do matter, and that the divinely designed pattern of my particular jigsaw puzzle will be revealed in perfect time, piece by piece.

Hmmm. I think I'll pass Erline's number on to a few friends.

RELATED ARTICLE: Where to Begin

Erline Belton shares more tips on how to begin living on purpose and creating your legacy. Remember that self-discovery is an ongoing journey. Sometimes insights will reveal themselves slowly; at other times you may experience an epiphany or breakthrough. Trust this process to take you where it will:

* Believe that you are in partnership with the Creator. It's important for you to realize that you create the life you want. If you desire a life that is a loving masterpiece of your highest design, you have to begin to act consciously and deliberately toward your goal.

* Determine the current legacy you are leaving. Find a quiet place in which to visualize. Relax and begin stilling your mind. Breathe in peace and relaxation; breathe out with a smile. Try that five times. Notice what's around you and let it go. Now imagine that you've left the world behind. Ask yourself what the people who lived and worked with you would say about you. Be open to the images that come. Write down what you see. Coming back to it later will give you further insight into its significance.

Next approach the people in your life and ask them how they perceive you. Be willing and open to receive whatever they say with love. Encourage them to be truthful. Tell them that you are doing a personal-development exercise and that you will not judge what they say, but instead use their opinions to do your own inner work. And mean it.

* Keep a journal. Jot down your thoughts and reflections daily so that you have an uncensored record of your progress. Treat your writing as though you're having a private conversation with yourself based on truth and loving compassion. Think about what your purpose might be and write it down--you'll revise it as you gain more insight.

View your journal as a tool. If you choose to write in the morning, plant a positive affirmation at the end of your entry to guide you through the the day. Say something like "Today I know I will achieve my highest and best." If you write at night, end with an affirmation that will bring clarity in the morning: "I will get the information I need to move my life forward in a peaceful and loving way."

* Join a spiritual group. Sometimes we need help to gain access to the spiritual wisdom within us. Joining others who want to live on purpose will give you support and a sounding board. Their experiences will help guide you, and their perspectives will help you see new paths.

* Start a "legacy library." There are several excellent books that those seeking to live more purposefully can turn to for guidance. Erline recommends: Creative Encounter and Inward Journey, both by Howard Thurman (Friends United, $10 each title); Sacred Pampering Principles: An African-American Woman's Guide to Self-Care and Inner Renewal by Debrena Jackson Gandy (Morrow, $12); The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron (Putnam, $15.95); and One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Towards Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth by lyanla Vanzant (Simon & Schuster, $13).